rebeljunkie

That's right according to their recently updated website (www.blink182.com) the band is officially back together!

BLINK 182 IS FUCKING BACK!!!!! http://www.blink182.com/band/message.aspx

Okay seriously, I’ve been trying not to do this but here I am, doing it.

I’m writing my review of the Twilight movie.

As a fairly die hard Twilight fan, I went into the movie having decently high expectations. No movie made from a book is going to be just as amazing as the book, we all know that but still as a fan I did have some slightly high hopes.

And let me tell you, they were dashed. I saw the movie twice. The first time I went in as a Twilight fan, watching the movie with excitement because of the book. The second time I tried a different route and watched the movie trying to come from my usual perspective, the movie-whore girl who goes and sees almost every movie.

Now the first viewing (as a fan) I was okay with the movie. Sure I thought the girl who played Bella (Kristen Stewart) couldn’t really act, and that Edward (Robert Pattinson) needed his eyebrows plucked, for serious they looked like two dark fuzzy caterpillars had made a home on his forehead, but you could get past that and enjoy the movie as a version of the book. Because let’s face it Alice was depicted perfectly, as was Emmet and Carlisle. I felt Esme needed a bigger part then the like 7 lines she was given, Rosalie could’ve been prettier, Jasper’s stare was super sketchy, and Jacob’s hair was too long but other than that it was okay, from a fan’s view.

Here’s where things changed, my second viewing.

This viewing (as a movie-whore who goes and sees almost everything) the movie flat out sucked.

You couldn’t understand the awkwardness between Bella and Edward at all. They didn’t explain the eye color changing enough so if you didn’t already know that made absolutely no sense.

But they thing that really did the plot in was the fact that they cut out every scene in the book where Edward and Bella really bonded and condensed it into one dinky scene that barely expressed it. Because of that fact you couldn’t understand how the relationship switched between the two from “I almost but not quite hate you” to “I love you unconditionally and would die for you and/or damn myself eternally to be with you.” The bond between the two characters isn’t developed enough it doesn’t come off as the amazing “meant to be” relationship it is in the book and instead just comes off as a unoriginal high school romance with a vampire twist.

Also, kind of pertaining to that they didn’t go into why Bella’s smell affected Edward so much enough. Because a girl was in the theater that hadn’t read the books and kept asking “I don’t get it, why does she bother him that much?” Proving that they needed to improve that area, A LOT.

Then of course there’s Kristen Stewart’s acting problem. It’s not really a problem as much as it is her just failing at it. I’ve seen her in other movies and though she never astounded me I had never before thought she stunk this bad, but she did. It got to the point where my super serious theater kid friend turned to me and whispered “She’s done almost everything my theater teacher told my class never to do. In fact, Ms. Jayann (her theater teacher) could just show this movie on what not to do instead of telling us.” And if someone who’s taken theater-acting lessons for most of her life and has been the star role in almost every performance she’s tried out for says that. I think she knows what she’s talking about on some level.

I also felt that way about Kristen Stewart’s acting, as a movie-whore and as some one who does stage crew almost religiously I can spot bad acting when I see it, I might not know exactly what they’re doing wrong or how to fix it, but I know it’s bad. And Kristen Stewart? She was bad.

One last point though. Anyone else notice that Billy Black (THE MAN WHO CAN”T WALK AND NEEDS A WHEEL CHAIR) was driving in that one over dramatic scene where Edward’s car passes his? Okay in the book it is said he has no use of his feet and Jacob drive him around, but Jacob is underage so no Hollywood movie can promote a kid driving without a license but then shouldn’t they have just cut out the fact that he needed a wheel chair? Especially since after he parked the car Jacob had to come around and carry him and place him into the wheel chair. I mean come on that was a major flaw. Having the guy who couldn’t use his legs drive.

 I know that Billy could have gotten a car specially modified so he could drive but still, he gave Bella the truck because he couldnt drive it anymore so him driving still doesn't make any sense. since it would've been cheaper to modify that truck than buy a whole new car with the modifications.

So those of you who remember from before when I said I had to give up drums because of my wrist problems (my ganglion cist that is)? Well things are looking up, not for the drumming part unfortunately but for the cist.

See last time I went to the doctor (who specializes in bones and joint or something like that) he said that it was a ganglion cist for sure but, it was too small to be removed. Only it was big enough to mean the end of my drumming career for good, because it was too painful to play with.

Recently though, it’s gotten a lot worse. It even swelled up till it looked like there was a ping pong ball underneath the skin in my wrist! It’s also been super painful, which has made in increasingly difficult to type papers on the computer for school, which is a problem grade wise.

But I digress, I am getting the cist looked at sometime this week (though I’m pretty sure it’s big enough to be removed) and they’ll tell me what’s going on soon enough.

Unfortunately this does not mean I can go back to be a drummer. So I still am a drummer of 5 years who was forced to quit. The reason I can’t play again is because there are two things that could happen with the cist.

1. It’s not big enough to remove so they can’t do anything about it and it will also continue to be too painful to play. Or

2. They can remove so then a date for the surgery will be set for sometime next year (I’m hoping during swimming in gym xD) and then I’ll spend months in physical therapy to regain all wrist control and eventually my wrist won’t be in pain anymore, but I won’t be allowed to do any really repetitive motion (like drumming) with my wrist for a year or two and then when I finally can I’ll probably never be at the skill level I was at before all of this started.

So, while I am really down about not being able to play drums well ever again, I already knew that when the cist was first discovered which means I’m almost completely at peace with the idea (though I’ll miss drumming like hell) but I’m super excited for the possibility of getting the cist removed because then the pain in my wrist will finally be gone for good!

So those of you who read my update from the 24th of April (update 1) know about the glass portrait my friend and I gave to MCR. If you don’t you may want to go read about that.

Well the reason I did that was because my friend (who’s name shall not be mentioned) lived one of those MCR saved my life stories, and so MCR gave me my friend back and I guess I though on some level I should give them something. Because even if they don’t know what they did for my friend (which in turn helped me because I was so wrapped up in worry about them and the fact that they were struggling) they should still get a thank-you. Since glass art is my forte I decided I would make them a portrait (not really more like a carton picture) of them out of glass.

I ran into a problem when I realized that no glass would be able to make drawings so I went and found the glass based paint pens to do the actually people part of the picture. Only problem is I’m a horrible drawer. So I approached my friend Kayte and enlisted her help. She drew an original sketch of what the picture should look like and we went about together making it into glass. We got to the concert it eventually made it to them (all the details of the concert are in yesterdays update) and so on.

Well it’s been almost a month and I keep thinking about that portrait. I tend to take ideas and run with them places I probably should up (since I always end up getting my hopes up only for them to be smashed to bits) but I really want to carry this idea out.

Every time I go see MCR in concert I’m going to give them another piece of my art (this fully mine, no drawing help from anyone). I’ll sign my name to these pieces but at this point I don’t think I’m going to give them any notes with these pieces.

So yeah is this idea creepy? I want to know because I don’t want to do this and have the guys of MCR be like “Who is this crazy chick sending us this glass stuff?” or whatever. Let me know.

Oh and if you have any ideas for a design I should do (on a bowl or plate of flat piece of glass or whatever) let me know at an email address I made specifically for this idea.

So I haven’t written anything in a while and if anyone actually enjoys reading about my life than I apologize. This is been what’s going on since I last updated.

I was diagnosed with a joint disease and a ganglia (sp?) cist. I can’t play drums anymore because of this since it has become too painful to play. Unfortunately the cist is too small to be removed but just large enough to prevent me from playing. So without drums I’ve been trying to find a new way to deal with everything. It used to be if I was angry, annoyed, depressed, ecstatic, or whatever I’d go downstairs and start drumming away to let it out. So I’ve been trying to find something to replace that, and I finally have. Torching. Specifically glass art torching. I take glass art at school and have found the torch to be very therapeutic. It’s calming and I feel so much better after it so I’ve been bugging my parents about letting me get one at home. Of course they said no, because they’re afraid about my little brother’s friends, who don’t know how to use it, messing with it and getting hurt. So while I work on that I still have no outlet unless I’m at school and it’s 8^th period (which is when my class is) or a free period in which I can use the torches (only happens during 7^th period).

Lately I’ve been struggling with this problem. So here it goes:

I met this guy, Jason, in the 7^th grade who I absolutely loved, I  developed a small crush on him in that one day I met him but brushed it off. At the time though he had a girlfriend, as well as my good friend who introduced had a crush on him. I saw him again during my freshman year briefly and was reminded of just how lovable he is. Come this year he’s in one of my classes and the entire year I’ve devoted to getting to know him better in the short time during the day we have together. My crush on him has come back full force, unfortunately though, my best friend in the whole world, Michelle, who I could never live without and practically live in fear of life without her, likes him too. See Michelle met him while on stage crew and they share theater class together. They’ve instantly become great friends. She likes him, he likes her, end of story right? No. See Jason’s best friend Joel has a crush on Michelle which Jason knows about. Jason didn’t know Michelle liked him and told Joel to go ahead. Joel asked out Michelle and she turned him down. I have crush on Jason, of which I’ve told NO ONE. I’m not gonna act on my crush, I don’t even want to. What I want is a way to get over it because once Joel gets over his crush on Michelle, Michelle and Jason can go out and be perfect for each other (you can tell they will be just by looking at them when they hangout together). I’m struggling to get over this crush and it’s driving me crazy liking Jason that way and be completely wrong for him in every way while Michelle and him will be perfect.

I went to an MCR concert on Friday, April 18^th, at the congress theater (their second concert there). I took some pretty great photos (links are at the bottom) and had a great time. They played with David Costa (who I hadn't heard of, and I wasn't impressed by), Drive By (who sold their own merch after their set so you could go and meet them personally!), and Billy Talent (I already liked them and they were great live).

It was an eventful night though. So here's how it went:

We arrived at the concert and met a lady, Carolyn, who works for my dad. Her friend owns the congress theater and we were supposed to go and meet MCR before the show so we walked behind the theater to the backstage entrance only to be told that although my name and the three other girls with me had our names on the list Carolyn's name had not been placed on the list (instead Max's (a guy who was originally going to be the one to get us backstage but couldn't since his wife was starting chemo the day before) name was on the list) and we couldn't go in without Max.

Right after we turned away who walks out? Bob Bryar. I looked at him and my eyes widened because he was so close that if I was to raise my arm I could touch him. He saw my eyes widened and looked nervous. I didn’t want to bother him since he had obviously come out into the alley for a reason so I turned back to my friend Kayte and when I turned away I saw him visibly relax, glad I wasn't going to go up to him. He walked towards some people and we were told we had to leave the alley so we walked behind Bob and a girl in the group of people he was taking to goes "Bob they're following you" in a teasing voice.

We walk back to the front only to find out that because of the name change we can’t get our tickets from Will Call and can’t get in. So Carolyn calls her friend, who calls his friend that’s working at the theater that night and his friend comes around and brings us to the back and literally sneaks us in the back entrance. It was pretty cool. So we got inside and were pretty close up when David Costa hit the stage. I've never left my seat during a concert before but David Costa were so bad (in my opinion, sorry if anyone likes them) that me and my three friends (Kayte, Kelsey, and Caitlyn) left and went to sit on the stairs in the front room.

We went back when Drive By was starting to set up. They're really good, but didn't have very good stage presence. They're new to touring though so I'm sure they'll improve in that area. They filmed the crowd a bit (I'm sure they're making a small video like Kut U Up did on the Pop Disaster Tour) and they're performance was filmed as well.

Then Billy Talent came on, also didn't have great stage presence but were great, I already was a fan before the show though.

Then MCR came on. Caitlyn and I pushed up to the front until there were only two people in front of us and enjoyed the show. While they didn’t play any new material off the upcoming album they did play Head First for Halos and Desert Song (those two made my night). During Desert Storm both Ray and Frank sat down to play.

Mikey was wearing a shirt that read Mikey Fuckin’ Way in big block letters. You could get that shirt at the merch stand as well as one that had Ray on it that said Toro above the picture of Ray playing guitar on stage. I’m betting that they’re having a contest to see who’s shirt sells more (that’s just my personal thoughts though).

By the way, at the concert Gerard said something that REALLY amused me right before they played I'm Not Okay.

He started it out sort of like the video saying,

"We like D&D, comics, fangoria.... We're never gonna make it, but I don't want to make it. I just want to DANCE!" and then the song started but I was laughing to hard to sing along because he said it REALLY excited-like. Probably the best moment on stage of the night.

Someone also threw a stuffed animal unicorn on stage which Gerard picked up and said "A unicorn! Mikey loves these! Don't you Mikey?" in a teasing voice.

After the concert Carolyn and the guy who owns the congress theater takes us to a place where the band was supposed to sign stuff for some fans. We waited a good 45 minutes while the equipment was loaded into trucks because apparently they couldn’t come and sign anything till it was all loaded up. When that happened it was 11:35 p.m. which is curfew for the city of Chicago (if you are under 18) and that means the band couldn’t come out a sign anything since it wouldn’t be fair to the fans under 18 that couldn’t stay out.

We saw Gerard and Ray talk to the security guards about coming and signing any way but the guards wouldn’t have it. They came over and told all the fans to leave. My friend Kayte and I had made the MCR guys something (which I’ll also post a link to) and the security guard gave it to Bob for us (the guys said thank you through the security guards to us). 

And we went home some what disappointed but it wasn’t like the MCR guys didn’t want to come and see us because we heard and saw them argue with the guards. These things happen.

And that’s it.

Since this has become an unbearably long update I’ll stop here.

Here are the links to the pics from the concert:

Two pictures of the glass portrait Kayte and I made for MCR (copyrighted!!):

I hate her sometimes.

My sister that is. She thinks that because she's 23 she can make me do whatever she thinks I should be doing. NEWSFLASH: I already have a set of parents I don't need another! Like my friends and I were messing around and playing dress up and I dressed up as Debbie from the Wild Thornberry's (that cartoon that used to be on Nickelodeon). So yeah the picture that was taken wasn't the most flattering and I deleted it after it was posted but my sister saw it a lectured me that I shouldn't post (even though my friend posted the picture not me) pictures of me like that one. I don't really see what was so wrong either, I was wearing jeans, a green open button up shirt and an orange belly tank-top, so I'm not the skinniest person in the world but I deleted the picture and she should get off my fucking case. I mean their are pictures of me in my bathing suit at the beach and that makes my stomach look worse then the fucking picture of me as Debbie...

I hate Alex and am surprised I ever called her my friend. Plus she dumped Isaac saying they were only "going on break" but then a got a new boyrfriend like two days later.

See I first met Alex through my friend Corey in the beginning of freshman year. Alex was in my an advisory with Corey, Kelsey, and Caroline, three girls who's judgement of people I trust. But since I had no classes with Alex I was never given the chance to get to know her extremely well before she was accepted into are group of friends.

Come sophomore year though, I finally get a chance to hangout with Alex one-on-one. When I do I discover she's not someone I want to be friends with. In reality she's a manipulative bitch, who's extremely fake, and would do anything to feel accepted. Corey had already found this out and she and Alex were no longer friends but I hadn't taken sides on the issue and neither had anyone else, even though we all felt Alex was being immature about the whole thing.

But let me explain. See if you call yourself punk then you want out of the stupid labels people have given you. The idea of labels repulses me. Alex on the other hand seems to want to be everything the label my group of friends have been given. She cut herself and the next day happily told me about it. She smokes pot all too often and drinks, even though most people in my group of friends strive to be straightedge. She buys pre-ripped jeans from Pac Sun and dElias, trying to be cool, and the day after she complimented me on my old, beat up, dirty, drawn all over converse and drawn all over jeans she showed up to school with a obviously new pair of converse that she had colored on and jeans with a bag of sharpies asking everyone to write on them. She talks about the movie SLC Punk like it's an anthem to live by when in reality it's a movie that basically says you have to grow up sometime, that you can keep your punk ideals but eventually have to tone them down to surrvive. 

Then theres the lies. She told me she's been a Ramones fan since she was 6, even though I remember the day I went with Kelsey to buy Alex her first Ramones CD because Alex hadn't heard of them. She then will spew out facts about the Sex Pistols or the Clash that I originally told her when I first tolld her they were two of my favorite bands and she said she wasn't really into old bands. The worst though is she told me she hated Green Day and though Operation Ivy's CD Energy was so poorly recorded that she didn't even want to listen to it. Then I mentioned they were my two of my three favorite bands (the other being The Clash) and then two weeks later she was wearing an Operation Ivy shirt and her bag had three Green Day pins on it and a Green Day patch.

I'm not the only one to realize it either. Kelsey is slowly beginning to notice, as is Kayte and Caroline. She is annoying all of us.

So I'm done with her, because I hate fakes and she drives me crazy. Every moment I spend with her I want to slap her across the face. So she's off my top friends list on Facebook (I know that's not a big deal but whatever) and I'm not longer inviting her to anything with me.

"Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos. It has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities who have attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness; chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself. Think for yourself. Question authority."-Timothy Leary

Lately I’ve been asked about being bisexual a lot and I usually ignore that since it’s usually brought up to me in the form of “why did you choose to be bisexual?” and it wasn’t a choice I just am. Today though someone seriously asked me about my sexuality and how I feel about it and how I can be so open about it. So here is my answer.

I think I've always been bisexual, I mean, it's something that I've always been interested in. I think everybody kind of fantasizes about the same sex. I think people are born bisexual, and it's just that our parents and society kind of veer us off into this feeling of; Oh, I can't. They say it's taboo. It's ingrained in our heads that it's bad, when it's not bad at all. It's a very beautiful thing.

I think mostly it's been kept in my head. I've never had a really serious relationship with another woman. But it is something that comes up as a struggle in me. It especially came up when I was about 15. In high school people think you have to be so feminine and what not. People get attacked just because someone insinuates something about their sexuality. I think that's gruesome.

But remember this; random acts of teenage sex are not always bad.

I miss the Tripod.*

There I’ve admitted it. And I know it’s not really something that can be brought back easily but I just wish we could go back to it. So much of my favorite moments from freshman year are Tripod moments that it’s depressing to think that we decided it was over.

And maybe it was for the best. I mean we are no where near as close as we were. Tripod is no longer written on the chalk wall in the loft above my garage and we’ve all changed and moved on. Caroline’s relationship with Nick is so much more serious, and Daniel finally got his blow job (from his girlfriend Mimi).  As for me, well it’s hard to pin down changes in yourself but I’m sure anyone else will tell you the ways I’ve changed.

But it’s so sad, this used to be the group where I said whatever I was feeling to get opinions/advice, but now I’ve turned to blabbing about it to people I don’t know on here. I still trust them with my life, but we no longer have any real time for each other, while I still see both everyday, that’s at school where there is always someone else around. And yeah, I still hangout with Caroline occasionally, and I’d still drop anything to do either of them a favor, but I never see Daniel outside of school anymore. We all have better things to do and we all have other people that come first.

And while I definitely still claim them as my best friends, I’ve been wondering is that so true? Or have I moved on enough to say that yeah, they’re still really close friends that mean a lot to me, but they’re not my best friends anymore.

*The Tripod was what Caroline, Daniel, and I called ourselves. We were just three best friends who always made time for “Tripod time” and it was always fun.

Minority is about being an individual. It's like you have to sift through the darkness to find your place and be that individual you want to be your entire life. I’ve found my place, have you found yours?

Maybe I really am crazy.

As I’ve stated before, I like Isaac more than a friend. And it finally seems like Isaac might like me too, but here’s the catch: I don’t want Isaac to like me more than a friend.

Let me explain. I first was practically ecstatic that he was talking and spending time with ME during his free period instead of his other friends, and opening up to ME about a huge argument he had with Laird and how they’re no longer friends. But, and at first I didn’t realize it, I started trying to scare him away. I’d tell him things that maybe I shouldn’t have so soon- like my disorders or letting myself get hyper instead of trying to control my ADHD. I was trying to get him to think I was nuts so he’d leave me alone.

At first I didn’t understand what was compelling me to say that stuff to him and I’d even get angry at myself for it. I just realized a few days ago why I was trying to scare him off. I would’ve posted this earlier but I was trying to convince myself I might be wrong about this, but I’m not.

The truth is, although I really do like Isaac, I don’t like a lot of his friends, nor do I like how he spends most of his free time (usually drinking and partying). I don’t really know what to do because I’ve got so much in common with him and he is always cracking me up. And he is different from my “type” I just really want something to come of this but at the same time, I don’t.

You have the potential to do anything you want, it's fear of failure that holds us back.

I really am ruining my mom’s birthday. I feel horrible and I’m literally crying while writing this. But I’ll start from the beginning.

So I felt sick today but it’s my mom’s 57^th birthday and so I didn’t ask to stay home because I knew she had plans to have lunch with her friends. But during 5^th period I start shivering like crazy even though the schools heater is on full blast and everyone else is complaining it’s too hot. So my friend, Will, finally forces me to the nurse. Turns out I have a fever so my mom has to cut her lunch short and come pick me up. We get home and I immediately take refuge in my bed upstairs, feeling bad.

Then around 3:25 my mom asks me to sit in the kitchen while she goes to pick up my little brother John from school because my dad sent her flowers and they were supposed to get delivered then. They arrive and I carefully bring them to the kitchen when my dog decides it would be a good idea to jump up on me, causing me to lose my balance and drop the flowers. The vase they were in shatters all over the kitchen floor of course. And right then, my mom walks in and is upset, not angry though, at the glass everywhere and although I tell her not to she helps me clean it up.

This is the icing on the cake. I’m back in my room having fun on my computer when my cell phone rings. It shows up as my friend Kayte’s house so I answer it happily. It’s her mom though. About a week and a half back my friend Michelle and I had stopped by Kayte’s house to surprise her while she was sick. When we backed out of the driveway there was a lot of ice and we slid back into the car parked out on the street. I finish pulling out, pull over in front of the car, and Michelle and I get out looking for damage on the car we hit. It was dark but we looked for a while and didn’t see anything so we walked back to the car I was driving, see no damage, and get in and drive away. Turns out there is some damage to the car that was parked (though I don’t know what that damage is yet) that we just didn’t see and the nanny of the house across from Kayte’s saw us hit the car and get out. So Kayte’s mom called me to tell me that these people want me to tell my parents and have my parents call them, probably to make them pay for the damages. I am sitting here and I know this is just so horrible that I have to ruin my mom’s birthday on such a large, and probably expensive, scale.

Tears are flowing freely now.

Remember, the true coward is the one hiding their feelings from the people around them.

I posted the picture of my in my new new Japanese Skeleton Pajamas that I got for Christmas and immediately got comments asking where I got them, as well as ones saying I just copied Gerard and that because I copied him I was a fan-girl (I deleted said comments because they made me upset) so for the record I would like to say something.

When I was 12, in the summer before 7th grade (which was in 2004) my dad took me, my mom, and my brothers to Japan and China with him on a buisness trip. In Tokyo we passed by a shop with a pair of the Skeleton pajamas in the window and I instantly began asking for them. My dad took me into the shop but the sizes for the pajamas only were for adults and therefore were huge on me. After that I asked for a pair of the pajamas every year fr my birthday and Christmas but never got a pair.

I DID NOT know Gerard Way had a pair because I DID NOT like My Chemical Romance (or at least I thought I didn't like them) until my freshman year in high school. I was listening to a CD my older brother gave me a year or two back (that I didn't know the artist of) and showed it to my friend Kayte who then informed me it was My Chemical Romance's first CD (a band that I said I didn't really like) that I was claiming to love. I was embarrassed but got over it.

Then my sophomore year in high school (which is this current year of 2007-2008) in October I came across the first picture I had ever seen of Gerard in his skeleton pajamas and was very jealous. Then in December my parents surprised me with pair of my own because my dad's buisness associate found them again in Tokyo and called my dad who purchased them and had his friend ship it to us.

SO I DID NOT buy them just because I wanted to copy Gerard Way so please no one yell at me.

NOT that it should matter if I copied him anyway guys so me feeling the need to even post this is ridiculous!!

"Punk is not just the sound, the music. Punk is a life-style. There are a lot of bands around who claim to be punk and they only play the music, they have no clue what it's all about. It's a life-style I chose for myself.”~ Billie Joe Amrstrong

To Whom It May Concern,

I’m feeling like I’m unnoticed still. The idea of disappearing all together has recently become more and more appealing. I’m still not talking about suicide so don’t flip out about that, because I’m not gonna pretend that I could ever go through with that because I’m not going to lie to get sympathy or whatever. Because that’s just it; I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just a 16 year old spilling her guts to an online website (where no one reads her journals anyway) because I’d never be able to tell my friends any of this. I never had that one friend I could say anything to. I just have a lot of people put me second to others. I’m feeling like I should just go. Stop showing up and just slip away. No one would even notice, they’d just think I was with someone or doing something else. I find myself swept up in my fantasy world more often than not. I try to drop hints about how I feel, doing things like discussing my fantasy world with Kayte but telling her it was a dream I had. I feel pathetic and whiny right now, so please anyone reading this; would you care if I just disappeared? No, because you don’t even know me. I’m just another buzznet user and that doesn’t mean anything. Which is how I feel all the time, like I’m just another person and that doesn’t mean anything to anyone. So if I disappear down the line, I promise I’ll write one last journal saying that I’m going to go, and if that happens you’ll find me at some rock show somewhere and please, let me know I wasn’t invisible to you.

Remember

It's better to regret something you've done,

Then something you haven't done.

That’s just the kind of girl I am.

It’s ridiculous. I know perfection doesn’t exist but still I seek it in people when deciding if I would want to date them. It’s not so much as looking for that perfect someone as it is looking for the perfect feeling. I’m a sucker for romance. It’s not even funny anymore. What I look for probably only exists in fiction.

I want my stomach to flip every time they look at me. I want to feel butterflies every time they smile. I want them to tell me I’m beautiful when I’m only swearing sweats and no make-up. I want to feel fireworks when we kiss. I want be with/near them to be the greatest feeling in the world.

As I write all this down I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t help it and it’s come to the point where if someone asked me out (not like many people do… I’ve been asked out a grand total of once in my life) I would turn them down if I didn’t feel the way I wanted to.

Because that’s just the kind of girl I am... a stupid one.

Remember kids,

Be yourself

Don’t take anyone’s shit

And never let them take you alive.

Okay so Friday was my 16th birthday which I celebrated by waking up early (ugh) to open my presents with my family. My school did not have classes on my birthday or the day before (which was AWESOME) because we were hosting the State Swim Meet so the entire day the school was setting up and wasn't able to have classes. Incase you wanted t know for my birthday I got 3 pairs of converse (one from my little brother John, one from my older brother Bill, and one from my dog), a 'seatbelt' belt with PacMan on the buckle from no one in specific, two Eddie Izzard DVDs from my older sister Katherine, and a new video iPod from my parents (because just last week my iPod mini stopped working entirely). My friends gave me: A Dane Cook album from Dave, Sharpies and a cool shirt from Caroline, a gag gift from Daniel (which I'll explain later), 16 of 16 different small items from Michelle (very creative), and The Onion Presents: Homeland Insecurity from Alex (a book with a bunch of issues of The Onion).

After presents I went with my dad to go get my license. I got it and spent the rest of the day driving around with friends doing really nothing in particular.

Saturday a bunch of friends and I went to Lazer Zone and played a couple of games before heading back to my house and then all the girls slept over. (This was the day where my friends gave me my presents).

I had a pretty good birthday and now I'm street legal so watch out. Now anyone who bothered to read this is up to date with my life.

"You can murder a murderer, but you can never murder, murder itslef."~ Martin Luther King jr.

Okay listen, I might not be able to vote yet but I will be able to in exactly two years from Friday. While I can’t vote in this upcoming election, I know so much about the political system because my dad has friends who are senators or former presidents or whatever and so my whole family is VERY involved in the political system. I’ve been watching political debates and following campaigns since seven. While I personally am a Democrat I know what’s going on in the Republican Party because I firmly believe it is always important to see both sides.

So please, if you can vote, hear me out please. I don’t care if you’re a Republican or a Democrat but people are really uniformed right now about some candidates and I’m trying to help inform everyone.

The problem with this election is people are only hearing what the media wants you to know. And face it; the media wants Barrack Obama to win. But there’s a lot you people aren’t being told about Obama.

For instance Obama has said publicly (many times) that he is pro-choice on the issue of abortion. I agree with that whole-heartedly, because, while I’d never be able to get an abortion, the government has no right to tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. That’s my business not theirs. Unfortunately Obama isn’t quite as pro-choice as he says. Being from Chicago myself I’ve read many an article about Obama and this one from The Chicago Tribune, that was published just a few days after Obama announced he was going to be a candidate in the presidential race, sticks out very clearly in my mind. The article said that although Obama claims being pro-choice every time the issue of abortion has come up in the senate (which is around 14 times) his vote has never been pro-choice, it hasn’t been pro-life either though. His vote has always been cast as “present” meaning he was there for the vote but never voted either way.

To me this isn’t even really about the issue of abortion at all. It is about the fact that Obama has said many a time that he is pro-choice and that “a women has a right to choose” and that entire bit but never acts on what he says. Do you really want someone in office who says that they believe something but then won’t ever act on it? Some one who leads you to believe this is how he is going to vote but then his ballot is never cast one way or another. I don’t.

The funny thing about this article is what happens when you try to find it on the Tribune’s website. See you have to pay for some articles on the site but others you don’t have to and for the presidential race the Tribune made every article about Obama, dating all the way back to when he ran for senator, free online; except, of course, the only article that mentions the fact that he doesn’t vote pro-choice like he says he will. That article you have to pay almost $15 for. That is just some proof that the media wants Obama to be the next President.

Frankly peoples biggest problem this year is they want a new face, one that is also opposite in every way from Bush. They’re unwilling to look towards Hillary Clinton because she’s been there done that. She was first lady for eight years so she isn’t a fresh face in the white house, plus many people don’t like that she stayed with former president Bill Clinton after he cheated on her. As well as the Republican party is no longer the majority thanks to bush so people aren’t really looking that way for a good candidate and besides Clinton and Obama many people don’t think anyone in the Democratic party stands a chance of winning and don’t want there vote to go towards a candidate that won’t be able to win. So people are blinded by those facts and go to Obama. He is a fresh face (maybe even a little too new in the political scene to be president?) he is opposite of Bush in almost any ways. He has the appeal to many African Americans as being the first African American to be president and because of these reasons most people made up their mind about Obama without really going in and finding out about his positions on everything and his track record of being honest about what he is going to vote for so they are following him blindly.

I, in case you wanted to know, am a Hillary supporter. She has her faults too, but I hate hearing people say that they are voting for Obama and that he’ll make a great president without having any information to back up their vote. If people were just more informed I think Obama would probably vote the way he says he will and stay true but he’s gotten away with it for quite sometime so why would he change now when even more people aren’t bothering to look up anything on him?

Disclaimer: I DID NOT write this with the intention of changing someone’s vote in the upcoming election. I wrote this with every intention of informing people because if they know then they can be sure about their vote.

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."~ Mahatma Gandhi (yes he is one of my favorite figures ever that's why I often quote him)

By the way that Alex and Issac (the boy I like) problem, well now they're dating and I've never seen Alex happier so she'll never know how much I liked Issac before she even thought about him.

Ever feel like something is wrong with you but you don't know what it is? I've been feeling that a lot lately. Just like I feel really tired and depressed a lot lately, I dread school more than ever and I feel like I could just disappear and no one could care. I don't mean I could die, I know that if I died all of my friends would be sad and my family would probably cry. No, I mean like if I properly disappeared. Like if I just faded away, stopped showing up, I don't think anyone would ever notice I was gone. I'm not suicidal, I've been down THAT road before and this is something different. It's more like I don't see the purpose to anything anymore and I no longer see the point of even showing up when I'm feeling abandoned by my friends, it's not like they're abandoning me on purpose. They all just think I have someone else to hangout with. Kayte, Will, Caroline, Alex, and Daniel all have boyfriends/girlfriends and are spending all their time with their significant other, which I completely understand. Kelsey, Michelle, Maddie, Natalie, Adrienne all have other friends that they're closer to and so they spend more time with their other friends. So all of my friends that I used to hangout with are busy with their own lives and I'm stuck here at home, writing my sorrows down for a bunch of strangers on the internet to read. The only time I ever feel alive or real is when I'm swept away in a fantasy world I've made for myself in my mind (which is where I think up ideas for my stories on a website I write for).

I feel like I'm fading away and that there's nothing I can do to stop it or figure out what's wrong with me. I want it all to stop.

Remember kids it only funny till someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious!

Today (obviously) is Halloween. I went as my favorite fictional character, Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. I'll post a picture later on.

Not much has been going on lately. Though there is this one guy, Isaac, that I've recently developed a crush on, but hadn't told any of my friends about it. Then yesterday my friend Alex tells me how Isaac and her hooked up on Friday. She's already got one guy throwing himself at her and now the guy I like is hooking up with her... and the worst part is she wants to ask Isaac out. Now I'm sorry that I didn't tell anyone about my crush on Isaac because she wouldn't have hooked up with him if she knew.

I feel like all my close friends are ditching me for their girlfriends or boyfriends lately and Michelle has been hanging out with her crew friends. I'm starting to feel abandoned...

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

So Kayte and I were discussing which is more annoying: Green Day teenies or My Chemical Romance fangirls.

So we made a list of things they are known for thinking/doing that we dislike/hate about each.

Fangirls:

• They usually refer to Mikey as "Gerard Way's brother"
• Have been known to call Gerard "Jared" or "Gerald"
• Only know the song Welcome To The Black Parade
• And refer to said song as WTTB (I think that sounds like a news station name)
• If they know more songs than that it's usually only Helena and possibly Teenagers
• Don't know who Ray Toro or Bob Bryar are
• And usually the only other member they know other than Gerard is Frank Iero
• Don't know Gerard is married to Lyn-Z
• Only like the band because they think Gerard (or sometimes Frank) is hot

Teenies

• Spell it greenday or Greenday
• Spell Billie Joe Armstrong's name billy joe or call him William Joesph (Thinking their cool calling him by his full name but SURPRISE his real name really is Billie Joe
• Don't know who Mike Dirnt or Tre Cool are
• Don't know any songs but American Idiot, Holiday, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Holiday, and Wake Me Up When September Ends
• Refer to the last song named as WMUWSE (That's even more confusing than WTTB)
• Don't know Green Day has more than one album
• Don't know Green Day has been around for almost 20 years
• Claim to love Billie Joe
• And hate Adrienne Nesser for being married to him
• Don't know what the meaning of Green Day is
• Call Green Day their favorite emo band (Excuse me Green Day is Pop Punk NOT emo because they're not whiny like emo bands)
• Only like the band because they think Billie Joe is hot

We decided teenies were worse than fangirls.

"You must be the change you want to see in the world."~ Mahatma Gandhi